My daughter was a few weeks old when a friend dropped in with her child and nanny. As my friend sat cooing to the baby, her nanny started chatting with me. Within a few minutes she asked me when I was planning a second baby. My pregnancy and delivery traumatized body actually shrunk away in horror from her words. I laughed and said I wasn't even sure if I would have a second baby! Before I knew it she had scooted near me and told me in no uncertain terms not to be foolish. According to her if I didn't have a second baby (read son) then who would I leave everything to? I didn't know whether to be shocked or amused but told her I would leave it to my daughter. I can still still see the look of horror on her face. She told me in no uncertain terms that daughters weren't supposed to be left anything to, they belonged to their husbands. When I asked her what if my second baby was also a girl she said so keep having till you produce a son. She apparently had 4 daughters and her youngest was a son!
The whole episode left a bad taste in my mouth. As I looked at my daughter's angelic face, I wondered if this centuries old gender discrimination was something she too would have to face. Or could I be hopeful that things would change with time? More importantly, could I do anything to help things change? It is not only the uneducated class who hold such beliefs. Someone I know had a daughter from her previous marriage and then remarried. She very categorically stated that she would find a way to determine the sex of her next child and would only proceed with the pregnancy if it were a boy. Her logic was that a son was required to secure her place in her new home. This was a well educated, professional woman talking.
We often blame men for their role in not treating a woman as equal, but have you ever thought of where this mindset starts from? A man is not born thinking women are unequal, he is taught that, first and foremost, at home; a lesson which is then subtly reinforced over the years.
When my daughter was 3.5 years old I had a baby boy. My husband was a bit disappointed. He had visions of two little girls, who would dress in cute frocks with matching bows!! In fact, whenever anyone congratulated us and said "Your family is now complete." he became quite ferocious in telling them that the family would have been complete even if our second baby had been a daughter. I was more ambivalent in the matter-it was nice to have a different experience and trust me, even as babies there's a world of difference between boys and girls.
Today I ensure that if there are chores I expect my daughter to do, I have the same expectations from my son. At two he already knows how to pick up the plate and put it in the sink and how to clean up his toys once he's done playing with them. In fact, my daughter often bullies him into cleaning up her toys too. And I don't expect any praise for the way I am raising him, because that is the way I would raise any child, their gender just doesn't come into play. A friend of mine had a baby soon after I did. Her firstborn is also a daughter and the second one was a boy. One day she said that it was her fervent desire that we raise our sons in a way that decades down the line, some woman offers a heartfelt thanks to us. What a powerful sentiment.
It's easy to complain about everything that is not right in our society. It's so much harder to actually do something about it. For me at least, ensuring my home is free of gender bias, is my small way of making the world a better place for my children, BOTH my children.
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