I have always been someone who has enjoyed her work tremendously. Not only did I continue working throughout my pregnancy, I also was in office till the last day. So when I went on maternity leave I wondered how I would adjust to not having a routine to follow. What would mornings be like without getting ready for work? Of course all these musings were before the baby came so I really had no idea what was in store. Still I spent the first month swinging between enjoying getting to know my baby and being frustrated at not having an office to go to. I was sure that when my leave ended I would be only too happy to be back at work.
As days turned into weeks my little one changed from being just a crying, pooping, sleeping bundle into a person. She started exhibiting definite personality traits; engaging us in guessing who she inherited them from. She started sleeping more and crying less. She started figuring out that her hands and feet were attached to her body and she could move them at will. She realised that if she put all her might into it she could turn from lying on her back onto her side. And when one day I walked into the room and she turned her head to give me a big beaming smile, I knew I was hooked. So much so that I started appreciating the time I had with her. My days fell into a routine revolving around her. From her massage to her bath, to feeding and play times; I grew to enjoy every minute. I could now guess when she cried whether it was because she was hungry or tired or wanted to be picked up. In short I became an expert on reading her moods and her gestures and probably for the first time since she was born, at 7 weeks, I truly felt like a mother.
Now am facing rejoining work in 3 days and I have blocked my mind to it. I keep telling myself that I enjoy my work so I’ll love being back at it. And then I see my baby’s smile and my heart quails. I guess this is a dilemma that all working mothers face. I was told about it but never thought I would go through it. I somehow, foolishly believed I was above being torn between work and home. Just goes to show how stupid I was. I am lucky in the sense that my office is close enough from home for me to make a quick run back during lunch hour. 4 hours away, then 30 minutes with my baby and 4 hours away again. For now, that will just have to be enough. #feelingambivalent#